Sheep-Gate With Tucker

A Bovine Scandal! (Caution- this essay is rated PG-17 for absurdly risque' but topically relevant satirical content.)

We’ve heard them all- ‘They say’, ‘many people are saying’, I’ve heard’, ‘I believe’, ‘sources report’, ‘as you all know’ and ‘everybody knows’ , etc. These self-justifying cliches have been getting quite a workout, with Republicans using them daily to back up the horrible things invented out of whole cloth that they say Democrats are doing.

One thing we know, if we hear one of these lines, whatever comes next is possibly, could be, maybe, reportedly, probably ‘bullshit’.

Republicans and their media are stuck in a bad spot- they have to somehow portray Democrats as horrible monsters who are secretly more criminal than Trump visibly is. No small feat!

It’s now normal to just make up stuff that sounds bad and say that Dems are doing it. Harumph.

Money laundering? Dems. Fascism? Marxism? Socialism? (Yes, all three at once.) Dems. Dolphin-killers? Dems. Pedophilia? Dems. IRS invasions? Dems. Total Destruction of the World As We Know It With Atheist-Satanic-(yes, both)-Welfare-Genetically-Enhanced-Gender-Variable-DEI-Indoctrinated-Illegal-Media-Slaves? Yep, Dems. (Hard workin’ crew, ain’t they?)

Republican politicians and right wing media stars spew this kind of crap to millions on TV with self-awarded impunity- as long as they’re ‘quoting someone’, ‘asking a question’, conjecturing a ‘what if’, or stating ‘what I believe’. As in, “I’ve heard that Democrats eat babies, I’m just asking, could they? What if they do? It would be horrible, wouldn’t it?”

See how it works?

I can imagine former Fox News host Tucker Carlson saying it practically verbatim. He repeatedly says absurd things like this on his shows, maintaining an astonishingly incredulous air of authority without even a hint of irony, self-awareness or shame.

Now, it’s important to remember that Tucker knows better, that his pseudo-agnostic ‘questioning’ is just a tactic to get away with implying a caustic lie without risking legal action by actually saying it outright. It means, by his logic, that he can say or imply anything as long as he has the ‘free speech’ caveat of ‘asking questions’. He KNOWS what he’s saying is untrue, if not absurd, and that it will roil his viewers because they already want to believe it

Now, he’s turned up again, this time making bizarre sexual implications about Democratic VP candidate Gov. Tim Walz-

Tucker via Republicans Against Trump on X

Tucker Carlson: “I lived in a boys dorm in a New England boarding school in the 1980s with a lot of guys like Tim Walz. I saw that guy and I said, ‘You’re a creeper’… for sure…I definitely shouldn't suggest it without evidence. I don't have evidence...”

Riiiiiight.

I don’t have evidence, I shouldn’t say it, but, I’m saying it.

Since that’s the new standard, I say, let’s give it a ‘spin’….

I think it’s only fair we start with Tucker.

I have a, well, um, a possible concern.

Many people are saying that there may be, possibly, something funny going on at Tucker Carlson’s home.

Sources report monthly deliveries of cases of Woolite.

I have heard that international bovine sex traffickers use Woolite to soften the sheep’s wool to prevent rug burns during sex.

Additionally, they say that Carlson has a secret stable beneath his house, where he keeps 8-12 female sheep, or, ‘ewes’. There are reportedly no male sheep, so, it’s not a gay thing.

Everybody knows, if you say you believe something, it’s true no matter what, just like Hunter’s laptop, baby-eating Democrats, lizard people and pizza-gate.

In that spirit, I believe I must ask if Tucker Carlson could possibly have a bovine sex addiction, which he might be hiding, and maybe, possibly, have secretly participated in international sex-sheep trafficking to satisfy his maybe, possible, we’re not saying he does…bovine sexual cravings with a steady stream of new, virgin ewes? When he’s done with them, as sources say, does he sell the wool to China and the mutton to an unnamed Eastern European country where they still eat that shit?

I’m just asking questions.

I have heard that there is as much proof of this as Tucker and Republicans have of Biden’s crimes, voter fraud and fentanyl candy. Which means a mountainous pile of…. well, nothing I can show you, but it’s there, I swear, and it is mountainous!

But, still, I’ve got to ask, from what we’ve heard and what we know, isn’t this Tucker Carlson international bovine sex scandal thus irrefutable? Why won’t he testify under oath to the Senate Bovine Health Committee? Why is Woolite rumored to be working on a gallon-size jug with an air-driven spout? Could they possibly be involved? I’ve heard that Antifa may be tracking Woolite shipments to Tucker’s house. Could they possibly make an arrest any day now?

I’m just asking questions.

Isn’t it important to ask about these things? To see proof? To establish and defend the rights of our wool-bearing bovine friends? Aren’t we obligated, as good American Christians, to demand answers? Or are we just sheep?

Well, we do have some alleged proof, some possible evidence of the motivation for this heinous crime! This was partially possibly verified by a long time colleague who wished to remain anonymous, who told us;

“ Once, Tucker went to remotest Albania to become a shepherd. There were no women in the village. His first question there was, what do you do about sex? To which he was told by a neighbor ‘well, there’s the sheep’. He was repulsed at first, but, after several months, Tucker couldn’t take it anymore, so, he picked out a nice looking ewe, bought her flowers and took her into town to dinner at the cafe. His neighbor saw him and was shocked, and and he ran over and immediately asked Tucker- ‘what the hell are you doing?’ To which Tucker said ‘I thought you told me you, you know, did it with the sheep here?’

The neighbor replied ‘yea, but that’s the Sheriff’s girl!’ ”

C. 2024 Cousin B

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